Living at the Crossroads: The Experience of Being Neurodivergent and LGBTQIA+

How does it feel to show up in the world when your brain and your identity are both outside the norm?

It feels like carrying a backpack filled with rocks.

That’s the image I come back to when I think about being neuroqueer—when you are both neurodivergent and queer (queer is the term I intentionally use as a reclaimed shorthand—more spacious than the 2SLGBTQIA+ alphabet soup, more fluid than categorical). I first encountered the backpack metaphor in A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns (Bongiovanni & Jimerson, 2018), and I love it because it lands with almost everyone.

Even if you’re not neurodivergent or queer, you’ve likely carried your own backpack at some point. We all know the weight of stress, grief, expectations, or fear. The rocks may differ, but the heaviness is universal.

Now imagine that backpack never comes off. You carry it to work, school, family gatherings, friendships. That’s what it can feel like to move through the world as neuroqueer.

The Neurodivergent Backpack

Emotional Dysregulation & Overwhelm

“I feel everything so intensely. I feel like I’m too much and everyone tells me I’m dramatic.”

For many neurodivergent people, this isn’t about being “overly sensitive.” Years of trauma, invalidation, and stress keep the nervous system on high alert. The amygdala—the brain’s alarm—fires quickly, while the prefrontal cortex (responsible for problem-solving and planning) shuts down under pressure (Porges, 2023). Everyday situations can feel like threats.

Executive function differences layer onto this. The same brain regions that manage planning also regulate emotion, which means they pull from the same limited energy pool. When EF is taxed, emotional regulation becomes harder (Koay & Meter, 2023). Strengthening EF skills can make it easier to ride out big feelings without burning out.

Masking

Many of my clients describe masking as an endless performance—one they never auditioned for. It feels like always being “on,” rarely getting the relief of authenticity. “Just be yourself” rings hollow when the cost can be rejection or exclusion. Over time, the act becomes automatic.

I see it in small, daily ways: hiding stimming, forcing eye contact, rehearsing conversations, smiling on cue, nodding along when lost, over-apologizing, or holding back opinions. Masking is something all humans do at times, but for neurodivergent and marginalized people it often becomes a survival strategy.

Research shows chronic masking is linked to exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and burnout (Gassner, 2025; Price, 2022). Those who camouflage most experience far higher stress than those who don’t (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019). Over time, this creates a split between inner and outer self, making it harder to build self-awareness or believe in one’s ability to achieve goals (Toper et al., 2024). In short: the more energy spent pretending, the less is left for actually living.

Struggle for Belonging

“I feel like everyone else got the manual, and I’m just guessing.”

That confusion and loneliness is echoed in the research: rejection sensitivity (RSD), social miscommunication, and loneliness has been called the number-one health problem in the U.S. (Hallowell & Ratey, 2021). Constantly fearing rejection takes a heavy toll, especially for those who think differently, challenge norms, or see the world in unconventional ways. Belonging feels conditional—like you have to shrink, edit, or mask parts of yourself just to be tolerated. Every social interaction carries the weight of calculation and anxiety, making connection exhausting and rare, and leaving many brilliant minds feeling isolated despite their creativity and insight.

Autonomy & Self-Advocacy

“It feels like I have to work ten times harder than everyone else just to get the same results.”

Many clients want independence but face systemic barriers—whether in school, work, or healthcare. Western ideals of independence and the Protestant work ethic teach us that needing support equals weakness (Daring et al., 2012; Price, 2022). The shame of asking often feels heavier than the help itself.

The Queer Backpack

Identity Challenges

“It’s like everyone else is building their identity on a stable foundation, and I’m trying to build mine on quicksand.”

Research confirms this instability. Adolescence is already turbulent for identity formation, and queer youth—especially trans adolescents—face increased harassment, teasing, and isolation (Brill & Kenney, 2016; Siegel, 2023). Add EF challenges during transitions, and the risk for mental health struggles multiplies.

Even More Masking 

“I’m always calculating—Is this a place where I can be myself? Do I switch masks for my queerness, my race, my neurodivergence? Which version of me is safest?”

For people living at the intersection of multiple marginalized identities, masking isn’t just exhausting—it’s strategic. The risks of authenticity shift constantly, and the calculation itself takes a mental health toll.

That’s why authenticity is a core part of my coaching. EF work isn’t just about planning or organizing—it’s about self-determination. And self-determination means aligning strategies with values, identity, and lived reality.

Oppression-Related Trauma

“It feels like I’m trapped in a set of nested cages—school, work, the doctor’s office—each one pressing in, each one threatening to erase who I really am, and I have to shrink or brace myself just to survive.”

Autistic trans folks in particular face layered discrimination (Bailar, 2023). School, work, even healthcare can carry the threat of erasure or harm. Trauma reshapes the nervous system, as Polyvagal Theory shows (Porges, 2011): repeated threats keep people stuck in hyperarousal (fight/flight) or hypoarousal (shutdown), making regulation and advocacy harder.

Barriers to Self-Advocacy

“After being misgendered so many times, I just stopped correcting people. By the time I explain, I’m already exhausted—and some days, it doesn’t feel worth the fight.”

Bias, discrimination, and inaccessible systems make it hard for neurodivergent LGBTQ+ folks to secure accommodations or recognition. Social communication differences can magnify the fatigue, leaving people too drained to advocate.

Why This Matters

When your brain, body, and identity all fall outside the norm, the backpack gets unbearably heavy. And yet most of the time, the rocks are invisible. People mask. They smile. From the outside, they may look “fine.” But inside, the weight is real.

That’s why metaphors like the backpack resonate. They translate lived experience into something others can understand. And they remind us: resilience isn’t about strength alone—it’s about carrying weight most people don’t even see.

Main Takeaways

• Everyone is carrying invisible rocks, and you never know what weight someone else is shouldering.

• People with multiple marginalized identities often carry far more than those with privilege.

• There’s nothing “wrong” with feeling deeply. The neuroqueer community deserves support that makes carrying the backpack safer, lighter, and more authentic.

• Executive function coaching and educational therapy can help by building systems, strategies, and self-trust that align with who you are—not who the world tells you to be.

Reflection Questions

• Where in your life do you feel most pressured to hide parts of your brain or identity, and what does that cost you?

• What might change if you had support to carry your “backpack” with more lightness and authenticity?

• (For allies) How might you ease the load for someone you care about who’s carrying their own backpack?

These are the questions I sit with in my work. Exploring them doesn’t promise easy answers—but they do open the door to living with more honesty, more space, and more possibility.

References

• Bailar, S. (2023). He/She/They: How we talk about gender and why it matters. Hachette Go.

• Bongiovanni, A., & Jimerson, T. (2018). A quick & easy guide to they/them pronouns. Oni Press.

• Brill, S., & Kenney, L. (2016). The transgender teen: A handbook for parents and professionals supporting transgender and nonbinary teens. Cleis Press.

• Cage, E., Troxell-Whitman, Z. Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. _J Autism Dev Disord_ **49**, 1899–1911 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x

• Daring, C. B., Rogue, J., Shannon, D., & Volcano, A. (Eds.). (2012). Queering anarchism: Addressing and undressing power and desire. AK Press.

• Gassner, D. (2025, June 11). Masking: Deconstructing the myths. Autism Research Institute. https://autism.org/masking-deconstructing-the-myths/

• Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2021). ADHD 2.0: New science and essential strategies for thriving with distraction—from childhood through adulthood. Ballantine Books.

• Koay, J. M., & Van Meter, A. (2023). The Effect of Emotion Regulation on Executive Function. _Journal of cognitive psychology (Hove, England)_, _35_(3), 315–329. https://doi.org/10.1080/20445911.2023.2172417

• Porges, S. W., & Porges, S. (2023). Our polyvagal world: How safety and trauma change us. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Price, D. (2022). Unmasking autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Beacon Press.

• Siegel, D. J. (2023). IntraConnected: MWe (Me + We) as the integration of self, identity, and belonging. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Toper, A., Sellman, E., & Joseph, S. (2024). The confluence of authenticity and mindfulness: Principal component analysis of the Authenticity Scale and the Five-Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire._The Humanistic Psychologist, 52_(1), 54–69. https://doi.org/10.1037/hum000030434.